


Dreamwork

by Reitelle



Category: the GazettE
Genre: AU, Angst, Character Death, Delusions, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, No Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-18 07:37:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14208324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reitelle/pseuds/Reitelle
Summary: Dreamwork: The processes by which the unconscious mind alters the manifest content of dreams in order to conceal their real meaning from the dreamer.





	1. Agony

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! This is also a story I was writing over the course of 4-5 years. Looking back on it now, it's not very good >< The language is a bit awkward but I tried to brush it up as best I could!
> 
>  
> 
> Be warned though, I will be posting this story in it's entirety over the next couple of weeks. It's pretty bad (The story literally changes from third person to POV-style in a couple of chapters LOL), but please read, because the premise and idea was one of the best things I think I ever came up with.
> 
>  
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading! I'm always ready for reviews and critiques! 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you <3

"The scream of insomnia. is the next my turn?  
Oh shit! it was done too much.  
Oh shit! don't come near me."  
\- Agony

 

-o-o-

 

Beep. Beep. Beep.

 

A small, pale hand shot out from under the thick duvet cover and slammed down on the alarm clock angrily. He groaned as the incessant beeping continued to stab at his eardrums, his hand fumbling with the controls before the sound finally stopped. He sighed, cuddling into his duvet and shutting his eyes again.

 

-o-o-

 

He was standing in a forest. Looking around in confusion, Ruki turned up his nose in disgust. His boots were sinking into the sludgy mud beneath him. Quickly raising one of his feet, the squelching noise rang through out the eerily quiet space. Looking up, his blue eyes met with the brightness of the sun peering through some of the leaves, sprinkling the forest bed with patchy shadows.

 

A sudden chill ran down his spine and he realized how cold he was. Dragging his legs, his boots cut through the sludge and weeds, the noise making him wrinkle his nose in distaste. He continued trudging towards a warmth that radiated from amidst a cluster of trees. It was so cold now. All he wanted was the heat.

 

Stepping through the cluster of trees, his now muddy boots stepped and trampled onto a bed of flowers. He looked up. The flowers continued for what seemed like forever, until his eyes met the other side of the small opening. It was a circular meadow, surrounded by trees and full of flowers of all colors and sizes. A large ray of light shone from above and he looked up, seeing a wide gap in the trees in which the sun peeked in curiously and set the flowers alight, each one looking as if they were encrusted with tiny diamonds.

 

Gasping out of surprise, his eyes quickly scanned the glistening flowers, the reflection of the sun highlighting his pale face. He felt the warmth of the meadow envelope his body.

 

And then his eyes met a figure standing in the middle of the meadow. Had he been there this whole time? He was tall, and it looked as if he had blonde hair. His features were hidden by a light source that seemed to be coming from behind him. Curious to see who it was, Ruki took a step forward, his boot crushing down on the beautiful flowers. He needed to see who this was. It was getting warmer... Was the warmth coming from him?

 

Who --

 

"RUKI!" A familiar voice called loud and obscenely, causing Ruki to jolt up from his sleep. He rubbed his face in an attempt to clear away his tiredness. "You're going to be late! GET UP." Kai called from inside. Ruki groaned. He really hated his room-mate sometimes.

 

-o-o-

 

"So how did you sleep?" Kai asked in his cheery tone, dishing some french toast onto a plate and setting it down in front of the barely awake Ruki. He simply grunted in reply, like he did every morning Kai asked him that question. Kai smiled. "We don't have the shoot until about eleven," He said, sitting down across from his friend. "But you know the way Shou is." He continued, making a disgruntled face. Ruki chuckled softly. "Yeah, he's a hard ass. 'An hour early or don't come at all'" Ruki replied, quoting his boss word for word. Kai just sighed. "Yep. So we have to leave soon." He said, with a stern tone.

 

Ruki didn't say anything, instead he chuckled again and went off to get ready for the day.

 

-o-o-

 

Flicking his ash to the ground, Ruki took another long drag of his cigarette. "Tell me more! Tell me more!" The taller male standing beside Ruki replied excitedly. Adjusting his wide sunglasses in slight annoyance, Ruki tutted. "I told you, Kai woke me up before anything else could happen. But it's weird, huh?"

 

Aoi flipped his long, sleek black hair over one of his shoulder and smirked at Ruki. "I think it means something~" He teased. Ruki shuffled his feet nervously and flicked his ash again. "What are you saying? It's just a dream." He mumbled, dropping the butt of his cigarette onto the ground and snuffing it out with his boot. He began walking through the revolving door to his workplace, a magazine company, in which Ruki worked as a photographer along with Kai.

 

Standing at eight stories tall, the building was glass covered and had a lobby that was the epitome of modern architecture. Upon entering, Ruki was greeted with the oh so familiar bright red words 'Arena 37', the beige marble floors, the sound of people chatting and rushing around and the phones constantly going off.

 

"If you'd have a little insight!" Aoi argued, running to catch up with his friend, his long flowwy clothes and jewelry jingling. "Just think! It could mean you're going to meet someone!" Aoi squealed like an excited fangirl. Ruki tutted and came to a stop in front of an elevator, jabbing his finger at the button in irritation.

 

"In my dreams." He replied, causing Aoi to frown.

 

-o-o-

 

Ku-chik. Ku-chik. Ku-chik.

 

People were everywhere. Doing make up, fixing hair and practically throwing the models into their clothes. Kai was currently laid across the floor, trying to get a nice angle of the blonde in front of him, a man behind him holding the wires for his camera.

 

Ruki leaned back against the vanity mirror that Aoi sat in front of, an unnamed woman running a brush over his porceline skin. He watched as Kai clicked picture after picture of the model. Uruha's body contorted sideways, his back bending slightly. A flash went off that dazed Ruki, but he blinked it away, looking towards Aoi.

 

"You're up next, y'know." Ruki said, looking at his nails non-chantly. Aoi gave a smile and thanked the woman next to him, who quickly packed away her brushes and scurried off to find more models to doll up. The clicking stopped and Ruki looked over to the set. Kai seemed tangled in the wires of his camera, and quickly fumbled with the controls as Uruha's makeup was touched up once again.

 

"Is Mr. Grumpy missing his dream prince?" Aoi asked in a teasing tone, a smirk apparent on his lips as he prodded Ruki's arm. Ruki tutted, rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, his gaze staying clear of the his friend. "Shut up." He mumbled softly, as if to himself, earning a chuckle from Aoi. "Very well." He simply said, raising from his chair and making his way over to the set that Uruha was now done using.

 

Ruki thought about his dream, his eyes focusing on a spot on the floor. The sounds around him, people clapping at Uruha's good work, Kai's loud and contagious laughter and the woman running around in their tall high heels, all seemed to drown out for a moment. The dream...

 

It was so real, so vivid that Ruki was finding it hard to believe it had been just a dream. He had felt the warmth on his skin, smelt the flowers and his eyes had even strained to look towards the sun. He knew he was dreaming, but it had felt like he was fully conscious. It had felt like so, so much more than a dream.

 

He was brought out of his stupor by the sight of Uruha walking towards him. He sighed. "Hey." The blonde mumbled to Ruki in his usual depressive voice.

 

Ruki's heart dropped. He knew what was wrong with Uruha on days like this. It must have been horrible for Aoi and him. Of course Ruki knew what was between them. Everyone did, but no one dared say anything. They were colleagues after all. If anyone higher than them found out, they would both be fired and lose all the reputation they had worked so hard to build up, but still they refused to separate.

 

Aoi had explained it to him one day...

 

"We're like two puzzle pieces, joined together at last. Almost like a song's music and lyrics. A steel wire wound around a million times to make a perfect guitar string, ready to be played. I'm too weak on my own."

 

Ruki had talked to Uruha about it too. All he wanted was to be able to show his love for Aoi. To scream it, to act on it, to surprise him with kisses when he least expected it. But he couldn't. Ruki's hand slowly covered Uruha's and he squeezed it in a loving gesture. "Things will get better. I promise." He told his friend, who just nodded with a sad smile.

 

"I don't know if they will this time." Uruha replied, looking to Ruki with an expression that broke his heart. "But I have to be strong. For both of us." He mumbled, scratching his nose in embarrassment.

 

"Ruki! We're ready for you!" Kai called from next to the set, the large camera in his hand.

 

Ruki nodded and turned back to Uruha with a smile before walking off to actually do some work.

 

-o-o-

 

He slumped face first into his cloud like bed, too tired to do much after the long day. Of course he had finished work around seven, but Kai insisted they go shopping for groceries before the super market closed. Not even bothering to change from his day clothes, Ruki cuddled into his bed, another wave of euphoric sleep washing over him.

 

He opened his eyes. He was in the forest again.

 

Trudging like he had earlier this morning, Ruki broke through the trees into the small dome of heat, greeting the flowers with a smile. The light shone down on the petals, causing a reflection that looked almost like the suns rays on a pool of water. He quickly scanned the meadow for the figure he had seen earlier, but he didn't appear to be here. His spirits dropped.

 

Raising his foot to take a step forward, a voice filled the air before he could bring his boot down on the flowers.

 

"Please," A voice called. "Take off your boots first." Ruki flipped around to see the figure standing in the trees, as if hiding himself. The dark-haired male squinted his eyes and shaded them from the sun with his hand in an effort to get a better look at the mysterious person.

 

He stood, rooted to the spot as the figure emerged from the trees, the leaves rustling before he stepping into view. Ruki noticed that he had no shoes on. He still wasn't able to see his features, and this irked him slightly. He wanted to know who this was...

 

He stepped into the suns rays. The first thing Ruki noticed has the hair. It was blonde, with thick sections of black running through it, and it lay against the other's head, looking soft and untouched by products. Ruki's eyes traveled to his and they met, causing him to flush slightly in embarrassment.

 

And then the figures lips cracked into a smile. "Hello." He tried again, but Ruki remained motionless, surprised. "Hello?" He repeated. "You there?" He looked worried as he tilted his head to the side, his eyes scanning Ruki's face.

 

Ruki swallowed the dryness in his throat and opened his mouth, only for no words to come out. Not even a sound. The blonde laughed. "Don't worry. I just want you to take off your boots. The flowers..." He trailed off, his hands gesturing to emphasize his words. Ruki gave a rapid nod, stepping back towards the side and holding a tree for support as he slipped his boots off and set them neatly by the grass. He looked up at the blonde again, as if expecting praise. The taller male laughed again.

 

Ruki suddenly felt that warmth again, this time overtaking his body and his mind. His heart fluttered in excitement.

 

"Who are you?" He finally asked, and the figure stepped forward again. "I was about to ask you that." He murmured with a hint of a smile. "Are you... Ruki?" He asked.

 

Ruki's features shifted into a look that was a mix between confusion and questioning. "How...?" He tried, but he suddenly closed his eyes and shook his head in an attempt to clear his thoughts. "How do you know my name?" He tried again in a more composed manner. Reita smiled.

 

"You're going to think this is crazy but..." Ruki noticed a blush on his cheeks, and seeing it made the corners of his lips twitch slightly. "I... hear your name sometimes. Like, as if someone is talking to me, but they're calling me Ruki." He said, scratching through the back of his blonde hair in embarrassment.

 

It wasn't until the blonde looked at Ruki expectantly that Ruki realized what he had said. "Wait, what?" He asked, looking at him with confusion etching his features. "Well, can I know your name?" He asked, walking slowly towards the taller man. It got warmer.

 

"Reita. My name's Reita." The blonde replied, stretching out his hand in greeting. Ruki reached for it, but the warmth suddenly got so intense that it burnt his fingertips. He pulled back, hissing in pain. "Are you okay? D-Does it hurt?" Reita's suddenly anxious voice asked as he placed a concerned hand on Ruki's shoulder.

 

His shoulder suddenly felt white hot, on fire, and Ruki screamed out, staggering backwards, steam rising from shoulder, the material of his clothes curling backwards on itself, melting. Reita looked shocked, unable to move, afraid he might hurt him again. Ruki's now burnt fingertips reached up to the angry red burn marks on his shoulder, tears prickling his eyes. The pain was so intense. Wasn't he supposed to be dreaming? Why was it hurting so much?!

 

"Ruki! Ruki!" He suddenly heard a voice call out. Reita heard it too, and looked around, trying to find it's source.

 

Ruki suddenly woke from his sleep, Kai shaking him out slumber and looking down on him with concerned eyes. Ruki sat up, wincing as the pain in his shoulder jolted down his arm. "You were screaming in your sleep," Kai said as he turned the light on. "What on earth were you dream-" He suddenly cut off as he looked back down at Ruki's shoulder. "M-My god... Ruki... What happened?" He asked, too scared to do much else.

 

Ruki raised a hand to his shoulder and there, upon his once pale skin, were the fresh burn marks that the blonde had delivered to him only moments ago.


	2. Nakigahara

"Colors of the spring, you can go mad by their ease If I could just forget

One can get depressed by watching the beauty of decay with both eyes

One can laugh thinking that it's just loneliness."

\- Nakigahara

 

-o-o-

 

Staring blankly at the white wall in front of him, Ruki winced slightly as a white-bearded doctor at his side finished up the dressing on his wounds. It stung, a lot, but he was too deep in thought, to focused on the blank wall to take much notice of anything else around him.

 

"How bad is it?" He heard Kai's voice mumble from somewhere near him. There was no reply, so Ruki looked towards the doctor in question.

 

His old eyes looked over to Kai with a strange look, and for a minute, Ruki thought they were communicating telepathically, because Kai suddenly went tight lipped and nodded with knowing eyes. Ruki suddenly felt the warmth of Kai's hand on his own uninjured one and looked up to him.

 

"I just have to go for a second." He said with a kind smile, but it didn't reach his eyes and his dimples were not there. Ruki knew something was wrong and gave his roommate a worried look. "Don't worry, Ru. I'm just going to fill out some paper work. Stay here, okay?" He said, giving his friends hand a tight squeeze before leaving it go.

 

The concern in Kai's voice was a little too much for Ruki, but he gave a hesitant nod. Maybe a few minutes alone wasn't such a bad thing. He watched as Kai left, the older doctor following after him.

 

Ruki slipped off the hospital bed and walked to the other side of the room, staring at his now bandaged reflection in a full length mirror. He knew now. That dream was real. In fact, he didn't even want to call it a dream anymore, because he knew it was real. Or...

 

Was he hellucinating?

 

Am I going mad? He thought to himself. The mere thought of it made him shiver, his eyes prickling from both the pain in his shoulder and the thought of loosing his mind to insanity. He didn't want to be mad. He didn't want to put that kind of burden on people. On Kai, Aoi and Uruha. That couldn't happen.

 

But, what if Kai was going to put him in a mad house... What if that was what he was talking to the doctor about? Oh god, Ruki could feel his tears coming, and he didn't even try to stop the rivulets from streaming down his face.

 

I'm scared. What's going to happen to me? I'm going to die. I'm going to be shut in a room to die with my illness. No one cares. No one's asking me what I think. So it's going to end just like that? Without my say? I'm not mad! Why would they think that...? This can't be it... I'm scared. I'm so, so scared.

 

His quiet panicking was interrupted by the door behind him opening and closing. Ruki didn't even turn to face Kai as he spotted him in the reflection of the mirror. His eyes were puffy and red and Ruki's heart twisted painfully to know he'd been crying.

 

This was it. He was going away forever. No more Kai. No more Aoi. No more Uruha. No more Reita.

 

Why did it suddenly hurt to think of loosing Reita? He'd only spoken to him once, and it clearly had not ended well. Ruki felt his eyes stinging again. What was going on? Why was he feeling this way? Why did it suddenly feel like Reita mean't more than Kai, Aoi and Uruha combined? It didn't make sense. If anything, he was mad at the blonde. He screwed up my fucking shoulder.

 

"R-Ruki?" Kai suddenly called him from behind. "R-Ruki. Please tell me you didn't..." He said, his shoulders slumping, cold sobs coming from right at the back of his throat. Ruki turned to his room mate, confused. "Kai? Kai, what's wrong?" He said, rushing over and leaving all his paranoid thoughts by the mirror. His friend needed him.

 

"Kai, talk to me." He said, but the taller male continued crying, like something really terrible was happening. Ruki froze, his hands on the other's shaking shoulders. Am I dying?

 

"R-Ruki." He shook Kai by the shoulders roughly. His roommate looked at him with a watery gaze. "P-Please tell me you didn't do this yourself..." He pleaded, a hand coming up to cover his mouth. Ruki glared at him. "What?" The smaller of the two asked in a low, dangerous tone. "I-It's just that, you've been so stressed lately, with work... The doctor thought..."

 

"That I burnt myself?!" Ruki asked incredulously. Kai spluttered and dropped his gaze from the other. "The doctor said it could b-be a possibility..." Kai tried again. "So?!" Ruki shouted over the other male. "I'm not fucking stupid, Kai," The other winced at the profanity, shutting his eyes. "I was worried! Can you blame me for being worried?" He argued, and Ruki pushed away from his shoulders, returning to the mirror. His shoulder stung terribly, but he gritted his teeth. The last thing he wanted was to be hopped up on painkillers.

 

"Kai, you know me. You know I would neve-"

 

"I know." His roommate replied. "I know. I just," He took a breathe, trying desperately to compose himself. "I just needed to make sure." he said, looking to Ruki with pleading eyes. He just wanted the other to understand. "I'm sorry. I never should have even considered it."

 

Ruki nodded, grunting slightly. I guess that was that. An awkward silence followed, and Kai cleared his throat. "Listen, I'm gonna go get the doctor. He wants to ask you some things before we get you settled in. You're here for a week, I hope you know." Kai said, his stern voice returning, and Ruki had never been more glad to hear it. He nodded gratefully. He wanted sleep, just not the forest. He needed a break.

 

Kai left the room, and Ruki perched himself on top of the bed again. It was barely two minutes before the door opened again. Ruki rubbed his forehead in agitation.

 

The familiar face of the white-bearded doctor looked down at him with a smile. "Matsumoto Takanori?" He asked, gazing down at the clipboard in his hand and clicking his pen. Ruki simply grunted in approval. "Date of birth?"

 

The questions continued until Ruki had given him his own number, Kai's number and their address. He watched as the doctor jotted down each answer, before finally clicking the pen again and placing it in his pocket. "Now, Matsumoto," He began, but Ruki cleared his throat. "Call me Ruki." He said nonchalantly. The doctor nodded with a smile. "My name's Dr. Miles. I'll be taking care of you for the week. Don't worry, you're in good hands," He said with a chuckle, which was not returned. He cleared his throat.

 

"I'd like to ask you some questions, if you don't mind." He said, taking out his pen again and looking down at the clipboard. Ruki shrugged. "Go ahead."

 

"Firstly, have you ever suffered from a medium-thickness burn?" He asked, his intelligent eyes staying on his clipboard. "No. Never." Ruki replied, stealing a quick glance to his shoulder before looking at the doctor again. He watched as Dr. Miles scribbled something down on his clipboard. "You're very lucky. While this is still a severe burn and it will leave a lot of scarring, it should heal up nicely. You have Uke to thank for that, for getting you here so fast. You'll have to stay a week though, just so we can monitor the healing process and insure infection doesn't occur."

 

''Wah wah wah'' was all Ruki was hearing. He was so tired.

 

"That's not really what I wanted to talk to you about, though," The doctor said, looking up from his chart and towards Ruki, concerned. "Can you remember when the burning started?" the doctor asked, monitoring Ruki's expression and reaction closely.

 

Ruki noticed here that he wasn't smiling anymore. Dr. Miles was looking at his with an expression akin to concern. It was also at this moment that Ruki thought of Reita. Reita...

 

He had burnt him, with his touch. His mere touch... What could that mean...

 

But it was weird. Ruki could remember the warmth become more intense as the blonde got nearer. He thought it was just getting warmer. He didn't realise that Reita would feel like a fire. So the fact of the matter was, they couldn't touch each other. But the question was why? Why couldn't they touch each other?

 

It started when the guy in my dreams touched me, Ruki tried in his head, but it sounded so crazy. Surely they would send him away for those words alone.

 

"I don't know, I was asleep." He lied.

 

"Did you see anyone in your room before going to bed?"

 

"I don't know, I was asleep." He repeated.

 

"What was the last thing you remember before going to sleep?"

 

"I don't know." Ruki said, irritably. Dr. Miles gave a long, heavy sigh before turning to look at Kai, who shrugged his shoulders. "Well, Ruki, I think we're done here." He said with a smile, which Ruki gladly returned.

 

"You can choose to stay here, or you can go home and come back tomorrow if you'd like." He said to Kai, who nodded. "I'll call if anything happens." and with that Dr. Miles left the room. Kai yawned, and Ruki noticed the bags under his eyes.

 

"You should get home." Ruki said with a smile. "You look horrible." he joked, earning him a playful slap from the other.

 

-o-o-

 

After Ruki had found his bed, he cuddled into the blankets in an attempt to drift off, but honestly, the last thing he wanted was to end up in the forest again. It scared him now.

 

ticktockticktockticktockticktock

 

His eyes slipped shut, and he sighed in content as the waves of sleep suddenly washed over his body.

 

He was in the forest and, giving an annoyed 'tut', he continued to walk towards the trees again. It got warmer and warmer with every step, and in all honesty, the warmth scared him.

 

"Ruki!" The familiar voice of Reita called out as Ruki stepped into the meadow and slipped his boots off. Reita stood up from where he had been sitting amongst the flowers, and Ruki's heart hammered against his chest upon seeing him, both in fear and excitement.

 

"Ruki..." The blonde's voice dropped upon seeing the smaller male's shoulder. "I-I'm so sorry." He said, his voice shaking slightly.

 

Any anger that Ruki had, anything that he had wanted to scold the blonde for, melted into thin air at that very second. It didn't matter anymore, because Reita was sorry and Ruki was willing to accept said apology.

 

It's not your fault, Ruki thought to himself, but he just smiled at the blonde, who returned the gesture without hesitation. But the happiness didn't reach his eyes, and Ruki could tell he was still worried. He sighed.

 

Reita and him couldn't touch each other. If they did, Ruki would be cooked.

 

The smaller male walked into the center of the meadow where Reita was, and sat, cross-legged amongst the flowers. They really were beautiful in the suns rays, Ruki thought. He looked up to Reita, who move to sit across from him, their eye contact never breaking. Not once.

 

"So," Ruki began with a smile. "How often do you hear my name?"


	3. Okuribi

"Even if visiting hours had long gone, I wanted to be near you  
I said "Try your best" and "Don't lose" in a voice that seemed to be broken"  
\- Okuribi

 

-o-o-

 

Reita ran one of his hands along the flowers, the soft petals grazing his palm. He laughed. "It's not just your name. I hear other people too." Reita said, his eyes fixed on the sparkling flowers. Ruki quirked an eyebrow in question. "What other people?" He asked, but he had a feeling he already knew the answer to that question. Reita's dark eyes flicked up to him, slightly embarrassed. "I don't really know," he mumbled. "Someone named Aoi. There's also someone named Uruha. And Kai... I hear Kai the most. It seems he cares about you a lot."

 

Ruki noticed here that Reita's brows had dipped into a frown. He was sad... Ruki chuckled in an attempt to lighten the mood, running a hand through his black and red hair. The blonde looked up at him with an amused smirk. "What is it?" He asked, confusion outlining his features."Kai's my best friend." Ruki explained. "He's really a pain, but I don't deserve him at all." A fond smile spread across Ruki's face and Reita chuckled. "Mm, you don't." He replied, earning him a playful pout from the smaller male.

 

"So," Ruki began, after a short silence between them. "Who are you?"

 

Reita seem nervous at the question, his hands freezing in midair over some of the flowers as his eyes shot up to Ruki. "I... don't know." he replied with a confused look. A pang of guilt hit Ruki in the chest and his eyes immediately traveled to one of the flowers in front of him as a distraction. "Sorry." He mumbled.

 

"Don't be." Reita said with one of his one sided grins, making Ruki's eyes flick up to him and smile.

 

The heat was intense. It was like a desert. A drop of swear ran from Ruki's hairline down his temple and he huffed slightly. Reita looked apologetically at him. "I'm s-sorry." He mumbled, but Ruki shrugged, slipping off the jacket he was wearing and wincing at the burning pain in his shoulder.

 

"Why can't you get burnt?" Ruki asked to distract himself. Reita didn't notice his discomfort and if he did, he didn't say anything. Instead, he shrugged. "I don't know that, either." He chuckled. Running one of his fingers over a flower petal, Ruki sighed. "Well, what's the first thing you remember?" He tried again.

 

Reita closed his eyes and tilted his head back, his features illuminated by the sun as his face turned more focused. "I remember... just being here. I just opened my eyes and I was lying on these flowers. Then the voices started... First it was yours, but then there were others. I thought I was going crazy." Reita's lips cracked into a smile as he he opened his eyes and looked down at Ruki. "Crazy, huh?"

 

"No." Ruki replied, frowning. Reita shrugged. "I think so. How can someone not remember anything about their life?" The blonde asked, but he didn't laugh like he normally would, he just looked up at the sky with an expression that was a mix between longing, hurt and confusion. Ruki suddenly thought of something...

 

Did Reita know he was a dream? Did he know that Ruki could only visit him when he went to sleep? What if Reita wasn't the dream at all...? What if I am?

 

Ruki choked slightly at the thought, drawing Reita's attention back to him. "You okay, Ru?" He asked. Ruki held his breath and tucked his head between his knees, rocking slowly back and forth. "Ruki?" Reita asked again, this time chuckling softly. "Are you okay?"

 

Ruki raised a finger as if to say, "Give me a minute.". Reita laughed. "Don't worry. I'm here." He said, his left hand reaching out to touch Ruki's arm. The smaller male jolted back as the blonde's fingers met his elbow, sending the burning sensation over his skin again.

 

"Don't touch me!" He yelled, holding his elbow with a shaking hand. Reita pulled back instantly, a look of hurt evident in his eyes. "I... I didn't mean..." Ruki tried, but the stinging pain in his elbow made him grit his teeth.

 

Dammit. This was ridiculous! This was a dream, for fuck sake. The pain was so intense. Why was it so intense? Ruki's eyes stung with tears as he looked back up to Reita. The blonde's eyes were dark, full of shame and his bottom lip was shaking.

 

It reminded Ruki of that mask Uruha wore everyday to work. Ruki bit his lip. All Uruha wanted to do was show his affection for Aoi in public, but he couldn't. They couldn't touch, they were afraid to look at each other for too long in case someone noticed. Was this how Reita felt? What did he want from Ruki?

 

"I want to hold you." The blonde suddenly voiced, pulling Ruki out of his thoughts and making him slightly wide eyed.

 

Yeah... It was just like Uruha.

 

Ruki's eyes cracked open to be met with the horrible sight of the hospital ward. It was raining, he could hear the gentle patter against the window. In a way, it both soothed him and reminded him that he was back in the real world. He was back to where the rain was never ending and it wasn't sunny. To where it was cold and not warm. To where there were no flowers, no pleasant fragrances. He sighed to himself, his hands coming up to rub his face.

 

"Good morning!" A bright voiced squealed from the end of his bed, making Ruki jump and curse under his breath, he sat up, examining the unnamed nurse at the end of his bed, a chart in her hand and a smile plastered onto her face. She bowed, and Ruki took this time to roll his eyes. "How are you this morning?" She chirped happily. Ruki sighed. "Hungry, I guess."

 

She gave a soft giggle at his response. "You're in luck then! You have visitors."

 

He was brought out of his frustrated state at the word 'visitors'. Ruki looked at her, confused, but his eyes soon traveled to the door to see Uruha entering the ward, soon followed by Aoi. They scanned the ward with what looked like distaste before Aoi spotted him and waved.

 

"Guys..." Ruki began when they were at his bedside. "I had no idea you were coming." Suprised, Ruki drew himself up into a sitting postition, hissing at the smallest pressure on his shoulder. Uruha rushed to his side to help him sit up and then fluffed his pillows for him. Ruki gave an amused tut, making Uruha laugh.

 

"It wouldn't be a surprise if we told you we were coming, would it?" Aoi retorted, making Uruha chuckle. "Kai couldn't make it. He had work. But he sent breakfast your way." Uruha said, setting down a small plastic container on Ruki's lap. "Also," Uruha continued. "He spoke with the doctor and Shou. He's taken care of everything for you. You have two weeks paid leave." Uruha looked down at his hands, almost guiltily, and fell silent.

 

Ruki raised his eyebrow and looked over to Aoi, who nodded in confirmation. Two weeks paid leave? If Ruki was honest with himself, he thought he was going to be fired. Shou was about business and if someone couldn't work, they were holding the magazine back, they were a liability that would soon be gotten rid of. Why was he being nice?

 

"Eat up." Aoi said after a minute of silence. "Are you guys not eating?" Ruki asked as he peeled the lid from the container. "No." Aoi said, taking a seat next to Ruki's bed. "We ate already. I could use a coffee though."

 

There was something about the way that Aoi suddenly looked at Uruha. His eyes were knowing, and Uruha nodded. Why was it that everyone was able to communicate telepathically except for Ruki? How unfair. "I'll get the coffees." Uruha said, his voice quiet. Ruki had a feeling they hadn't come here for breakfast. Something was up.

 

Uruha leaned over and pecked Aoi's cheek before quickly scurrying out of the ward. Ruki looked down at the breakfast Kai had made him. Pasta with salmon. Not exactly something someone would eat for breakfast, but it was Ruki's favorite. Of course Kai knew that.

 

"So," Ruki began. He was going to find out what was going on. "You don't usually make Uruha get you things. Something up?" He tried to sound casual as he dished some of the pasta into his mouth. Delicious, as Kai's cooking always was.

 

"Actually, yeah. I wanted to tell you something." Aoi said, looking down at his fingers and tweedling his thumbs. Well, Ruki thought, that was easy. He looked up from his food to his friend. Aoi looked serious... that was never a good thing. "Aoi?" Ruki asked after the silence had rang on for longer than necessary.

 

Aoi scratched through his dark hair, something he always did when he was nervous. "I'm going to Paris." He said, pausing here to clear his throat. "With Kai and Uruha."

 

Ruki blinked at the other in surprise. "You were meant to be coming, but..." Aoi continued, but trailed off, looking sheepishly up at Ruki to check his reaction. So this is why Shou had made sure he was okay for two weeks... It made sense now. Ruki gritted his teeth and set down his plastic fork firmly. "How long?" He asked.

 

He hadn't meant to sound as angry as he did now. It wasn't Aoi's fault. He didn't want to blame him, but finding out his friends were leaving and he was being pitied by his boss weren't two pieces of news he wanted to hear. Aoi looked away from him. "A month." He simply said. He looked at Ruki with sadness and pleading. "I'm sorry Ruki and if you want me to stay, I will. I'll tell Shou I can't go. You only need to ask."

 

Ruki tutted and rolled his eyes. "Stop pitying me, jesus. I'm not a child." He said through gritted teeth. Inside, he would've liked Aoi, or anyone, to stay with him. He needed someone, especially now. But he couldn't exactly ask that of them.

 

The possibility of losing his mind was scary enough. Having to do it alone was another story completely.

 

It was then that Uruha returned, clutching two coffee cups in his hands and smiling brightly. He gazed over to Ruki's face, his smile slowly shifting into a frown as he turned to Aoi. "You told him already?" He asked, his voice small. Uruha handed a cup to Aoi, who sipped it cautiously before nodding to the blonde.

 

Uruha immediately turned to Ruki, looking guilty and ashamed. "I'll stay." He blurted. "I don't want to go anyway and I'm sure Shou would understand. We can't all leave you, I understand Ruki, I swear-"

 

"'Ruha, shut up," Ruki grunted. Why is no one letting me speak for myself? Ruki thought irritably. He looked up at Uruha with the best smile he could muster. "Really, it's fine. I'll be fine." His voice was shaky at best, but he pushed past it. Nevertheless, Uruha went tight lipped. He wasn't buying it for a second. Before Ruki could say anything else, Uruha had turned to Aoi sharply, his hands on his hips. "I need to talk to Ruki. I'll be down to the car in a minute." He said with a small smile. Aoi looked dumbstruck, but took the hint none the less. He stood up and nodded to Ruki. "I'll come visit you tomorrow, before we leave. I'll bring Kai."

 

Tomorrow. They were leaving tomorrow. Just when had Kai planned on telling him that he was being flown to Paris? Right before the flight? It wasn't good enough.

 

Aoi turned to leave, waving to Ruki just before he disappeared through the doorway. Ruki wasted no time and turned back to Uruha, waiting for an explanation. He was surprised by the blonde's face. It was the mask... that stupid depressed mask he wore at work. Ruki was beginning to wonder if this was the mask... or if Uruha's happy face was the mask.

 

He looked closely at his friend, only noticing now how drained his face looked. The dark bags under his eyes. How his cheeks were getting more hollow as the days went on. How he always looked so beat up, so drained. Lifeless.

 

"Ruki." The blonde suddenly voiced weakly. Ruki didn't like this voice. It was convincing him more and more that this wasn't Uruha's mask. This was Uruha. This was what he had become. "Please lie and say that you need me to stay."

 

As surprised as he was to hear Uruha's words, he had a feeling he already knew where this was leading. "Why?" He asked in response. He needed Uruha to say the words. Even if he knew in his mind where this was leading, Uruha still needed to say these words out loud.

 

"I can't go to Paris!" The outburst took Ruki by surprise. Uruha sounded panicked now. "I-It's Aoi." He continued, putting his head down in shame. "I just need some time away from him."

 

Ruki's presumptions had been correct. "Are you sure?" He asked the blonde, who looked up with a pleading gaze. "I'm positive. I just... really need some time away from him to think about things."

 

Ruki believed that. Uruha looked exhausted, so it didn't take a genius to determine that it was from the relationship and the strain that it was putting on him. He nodded, keeping his mouth shut and his thoughts to himself.

 

"Does he know that you're worried about the relationship?" Ruki asked, trying to get Uruha to stay longer. He didn't want to be left alone for the rest of the day, if he was being honest with himself. Uruha shook his head. "No. He's happy with keeping it a secret. He's perfectly fine with shoving our relationship under the carpet like dirt." Uruha's voice had turned sour and Ruki could hear him trying to keep the bitterness at bay.

 

"It's like he doesn't care!" The blonde said, with a sigh that signaled his mental defeat. Waves of guilt washed over Ruki. He shouldn't have opened his mouth. He shouldn't have asked that question, because clearly it was not what Uruha had wanted to answer. He laid his uninjured hand on the blonde's shoulder and squeezed it.

 

"I'm sure it's not like that, 'Ruha. He cares about you, a lot. He loves you, you know that." Ruki tried to comfort, but his voice wasn't in it. He was tired of all the drama with these two, if he was honest with himself. Uruha gave a bitter smile. "I'm sure." he replied with a huff.

 

"Uruha, you stop this right now!" Ruki finally snapped, letting his anger get the better of him. "When has moping around ever gotten you anywhere? When had assuming things ever proved anything?" He shot a glare at his friend, letting him know just for frustrated he was with the blonde's recent behavior. "Am I right in saying that you haven't even spoken to Aoi about any of this?" He continued, his voice demanding an answer from his friend, and by the look of shame on Uruha's face, Ruki knew he was right.

 

But Ruki didn't stop there. Uruha needed to know how frustrated everyone was about this whole ordeal. "Quit being a baby! It's getting on my nerves. What happened to the strong 'Ruha I knew that was willing to be strong for both of you? Where has he gone?"

 

Uruha finally looked up at him with a watery gaze before his hands rose and he rubbed his face, his exhaustion leaving with another sigh. "You're right." He muttered, surprising Ruki. "I'm sorry for bombarding you with all this Ruki, I'm just... I'm confused."

 

The look in Uruha's eyes was nothing but guilt. Guilty that he had put a strain on Ruki, especially in his condition, especially with so much confusion going on in his life right now. Ruki didn't deserve it. Ruki felt guilty too, for being so harsh and blunt, but if he wasn't stern with Uruha, who would be?

 

After a short silence, Uruha mumble, "I better go." before rising off his chair. Ruki's heart dropped. He didn't want the blonde to go. He leaned in a hugged Ruki gently, making sure to avoid his injured shoulder. "Thank you." He said, his voice sounding brighter. They exchanged smiles before Uruha left, just like Aoi had.

 

He was left alone again, and he tweedled his thumbs as he looked around in boredom. He looked down at the pasta still in the container, now cold, and thought of Kai. Why hadn't he told Ruki that they were going to Paris? He had had plenty of time yesterday before Ruki has been burnt so badly... The thoughts quickly left his head as Ruki saw the familiar face of his grey bearded doctor enter the ward. His eyes landed on Ruki and he smiled, wasting no time as he made his way over to him.

 

"Good to see you awake. How's the shoulder?" He greeted with his aged smile, which Ruki returned. He was beginning to like the sunny disposition the doctor had. It reminded him of Reita, in some strange way that Ruki couldn't even understand.

 

After a few basic movements, like raising his arm, lowering it and moving his shoulder in circular motions, Dr. Miles began to scribble notes down on his clipboard whilst humming quietly to himself. Ruki waited patiently.

 

"There is something I wanted to talk to you about." Dr. Miles suddenly said, causing Ruki to quirk an eyebrow at him, as if to say 'go ahead'. "You said you were sleeping at the time you were burnt..." Ruki could tell he was picking his words carefully, because he was looking down at his chart again. "Were you dreaming?"

 

Ruki choked slightly. Where was he getting this stuff? They had done tests on him, hadn't they? While he was asleep. Kai always told him he was a heavy sleeper. He could sue. He could sue them for this because it was against his rights! They had to right! No right, at all! How dare they touch him! How dare they lay a fing--

 

Ruki paused for a moment. What was he thinking? The hospital, Dr. Miles... They had treated him with nothing but kindness. He was scaring himself with his thoughts. It was like he couldn't control them anymore. Ruki quickly gathered himself, though he could tell by Dr. Miles' amused look that he looked flustered. "If I was dreaming, what would that mean?" he asked cautiously. He had to choose his answers to whatever questions came next carefully. He had a feeling Dr. Miles was looking for more than a 'yes' or 'no'.

 

On top of that, he was scared to let the doctor know these things. What if they gave him pills to stop his dreams? The thought scared Ruki and he felt the familiar prickle of tears at his eyes. He couldn't lose Reita. Not after he had experience Reita for who he really was. Not after Reita had showed him how nice, sweet and caring he could be.

 

"I want to hold you." -- Ruki briefly remembered the blonde's words. How could he not remember them? No one had said something like that to him before. No one had ever wanted to hold him before. He found it strange, but awfully flattering and... nice.

 

"It could mean that you did this in your sleep, in which case, there may be a problem that runs deeper than just physical." Dr. Miles was back to his business-like tone. Ruki didn't like it. He didn't like the way the doctor could pick up on these things this easily, and he didn't like the way he was suddenly being looked at as another headcase.

 

"Ruki, there's nothing to be scared of. We have specialists and therapists that focus on dreams and dream analysis. We can get you help." There was a short pause in which Ruki grew more and more worried. While this was dangerous for Reita, it might be Ruki's only chance to explore this further. He wasn't exactly an expert in this whole dream business. He was confused, and maybe going to see someone was a good idea. He just... wouldn't tell Reita.

 

"Yes. I was dreaming." His shaky voice came after a moment. "It was vivid, and-"

 

"Ruki. I'm not the dream therapist. I'm sorry. However, we have finally made some progress in this mystery. I'll book an emergency appointment with one of the doctors tonight." Ruki nodded at Dr. Miles' words, a feeling of slight stupidity washing over him.

 

"Don't worry. You're in good hands." and with that, Dr. Miles left, just like Uruha, just like Aoi.

 

Ruki gulped, his shoulder aching to the point where he couldn't sit still, and he began to fidget. Everything's going to be fine, he chanted to himself in his head.

 

Everything will be fine.


	4. Chijou

"No matter how many times our bodies overlay  
your fault stains you  
Scattering the deep crimson, driven insane  
Are "The Two" who drew the end of this mad infatuation"  
\- Chijou

 

-o-o-

 

He ran one of his small hands along the leather sofa he sat on. It was still raining, Ruki noticed, as he waited for this mysterious dream therapist to arrive. He was scared, and it showed with his nervous movements that he kept doing absent-mindedly, like running his hand over the leather again and again.

 

He sighed before the door opened, a mature looking dark haired woman entering and revealing herself. Her warm hazel eyes met with Ruki's blue ones, and she smiled. She wore a smart dress suit, with a white doctor's jacket over it, her hair pulled back into a messy bun with a pen stored behind her ear. She took a seat across from Ruki and crossed her legs in a lady-like manner, her eyes analyzing him.

 

It was silent for a moment, and Ruki wondered why she wasn't saying anything. He chewed his lip nervously, eyes shifting to her before quickly looking away again.

 

"Ruki, isn't it? That's the name you go by?" Her voice was soft, welcoming, and Ruki tried to calm himself down a little. "My name's Linda. It's nice to meet you." She continued, hoping to get a word out of the nervous raven that sat before her.

 

Ruki cleared his throat, unsure of what to say to her. "It's nice to meet you too." He finally said after a moment of silence. She seemed satisfied with that, and smiled brightly. "Alright then, shall we jump right into it?" She asked, taking a set of glasses out of her coat pocket and slipping them on. Ruki remained silent. He didn't know what to say... where to begin...

 

He was scared. This woman had the ability to tap into his self-conscious and find out things about him that, honestly, he didn't want her to know.

 

"First of all," She began, and Ruki panicked a little. She clicked a pen, her clipboard ready in hand, ready to take down his answers, his reactions; ready to analyse him. "Is there anything you want to tell me straight away? Anything you want to ask me about?" She asked, looking at him expectantly.

 

Ruki remained still and silent for a while, his heart thudding against his chest. What should he say? Tell her about Reita and have her think that he was weird? Not tell her about Reita only to have her find out at a later time? His choices were limited, but this was his decision. He needed to calm down.

 

"I've been having a recurring dream." He finally sighed, rubbing his eyes in frustration. "It's only been two days, but I've had it three times now. I honestly don't know what to do... It's so vivid and so real." He was rambling, his eyes darting around the room. He didn't want to look at Linda. Things were awkward enough already.

 

"I'm going to need more information than that." She said with a slight laugh. She was amused? The thought irked Ruki slightly. It just heightened his belief that no one was taking him seriously. "What kind of information?"

 

"The setting; the weather; overall atmosphere. Are there any other people in the dream with you?" She answered him swiftly, her eyes stuck to him. It took a moment for Ruki to process her answer before he felt extremely stupid.

 

"Oh, sorry," He mumbled, taking a deep breath. It wasn't long before he was spilling everything to her. No matter how much he tried, the words just kept coming. Kept escaping from his mouth, regardless of whether he wanted them to or not. He told her about how cold it was when he was away from Reita, but then about the scorching heat when they touched. He told her about his looks, and how his dark eyes would flicker towards Ruki every now and again lovingly. He told her about his blonde hair, how muscular his arms were and about that weird noseband he wore all the time. How he was fun, how he laughed and how he was so carefree. How he was everything Ruki wished he could be, and so much more.

 

By the time he was finished, the brightness from the window was no longer enough to light the room and Linda rose to switch on a small lamp on her desk.

 

It was silent, and Ruki didn't like that. He wanted her to speak before he started vomiting words again. There was one thing he had not told her about Reita. Reita's most recent words to him were too precious to tell anyone.

 

Linda set down her glasses in thought. She seemed to be in deep thought. Ruki waited for her to respond with something. Words, a movement, even a sound would have been nice, but the silence rang on a lot longer than Ruki had thought it would.

 

"Ruki, did you know that dreams show our deepest desires?" She began, still standing by her desk. She looked towards him with a small smile on her face. "This 'Reita' person... He's nice to you?" She asked, and Ruki responded with only a nod.

 

"You want love, don't you? You crave it... when was your last sexual or romantic relationship?" She asked as if it was the most normal conversational topic. Ruki blushed. "Ehhh..." He thought for a moment, before he realized how true Linda's words were. "I don't know...." He mumbled with a hint of defeat, and Linda nodded with knowing eyes.

 

"Don't you see, Ruki? Reita is everything you want in a person. He's everything you need in a lover. Your mind knows this, and it's trying to make you happy by giving you what you want. But the burning, Reita's inability to touch you is your mind going against one thing..." Linda paused here and looked at the clipboard, as if double checking something.

 

Ruki waited in anticipation. She was leaving this drag on for far longer than it needed to but Ruki took this time to think about everything she had just said, to process it thoroughly. It felt like an overload of information and Ruki, in all honestly, was kind of disappointed. He didn't want Reita to only exist inside his mind. He wanted him to be real. Ruki wanted to be able to touch him too...

 

"It's because he's a man, and so are you." Linda said, pulling Ruki right out of his thoughts to stare at her in disbelief. "Wh-What do you mean?" He asked, slightly offended. "I have plenty of friends who are gay, so why would it bother me?"

 

Linda raised her hands in defence. "Ruki, I did not say you were against homosexuality." She said in a soft but reprimanding voice. "I simply think you are finding it hard to accept. The part of your mind that's finding it hard to accept is going against the part of your mind that is trying to make you happy, and like a chemical reaction, burning is caused."

 

Ruki nodded his head. It made sense. The burning was like a punishment for wanting to be in contact with another male in a more than friendly way. But that still didn't explain why Ruki maintained the burns in the real world. If Reita didn't exist, why did the burns that he afflicted?

 

As if reading his mind, Linda drew in another long sigh. "The actual burns on your shoulder were more than likely caused by yourself while you were dreaming. A little like sleepwalking, only much more dangerous."

 

The words would have scared Ruki, had he not been so deep in thought. He was still doubting the fact that he had burnt himself. First of all, what was there to burn himself with? There were no candles in his room, and all his hair styling things were left in the bathroom for Kai to use too... True, he had a lighter on him at the time, but how could a lighter cause this much damage in such little time? He knew he didn't do it himself, but there was nothing to say. If he argued his point, he would seem crazy.

 

"Ruki, you have to learn how to deal with this. You need to accept Reita and then move on so that you don't dream about him anymore. If you don't, you could end up doing more damage to your body."

 

Linda's words were sharp and clear, like a knife cutting through his mind, cutting Reita and slicing him in half. Cutting his feelings for the blonde. It stung, and Ruki wasn't sure if he wanted to give up Reita. Not yet anyway.

 

"I'll do my best." He lied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short shitty chapter but I'm a short shitty person so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
